I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
