My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
