She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
