The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
