Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just pynch a tree in the face
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
