Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
