thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
