I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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