I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
