If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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