I heard we made out
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
