I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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