I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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