Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
