You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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