dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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