Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize