We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
