I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
