so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
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