my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
