I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
