Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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