I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
