A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
