I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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