I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
