I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
