Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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