So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
