I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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