Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
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I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
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Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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