Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
