I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
