Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
