GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
