My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
