I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
now i know why i became what i already was.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
