shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
try to milk me bitch
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