i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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