he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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