everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
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My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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