Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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