i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
