Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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