I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
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The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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I need to calm my uterus...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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