Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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