Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dick very happy bro
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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