He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
