guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
