I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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