If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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