He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
