I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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