well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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