I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
