im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
As shirtless as possible
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
