I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
