I'm jealous of your bromance
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
