My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
