my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
