I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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